It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. . In a bag. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Thats sick! Dana Gould. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. There are over 8 million people in this city. Im like, Cat noise? 161. Because New York got to pick first. Required fields are marked *. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? 127. You down with BEC? Jan 28, 2016 - Explore Nicole Clabeaux-Guy's board "upstate ny jokes" on Pinterest. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. Its like I paid a guy. There are so many ways to die here. So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. Bookworms., 13. My lips are sealed, bro. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? This seems to be their big qualification. Stay away from him. Bookworms. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. 253 pages. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? I hope you share my sense of humor. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. Not true. 44. The guy was very rude. The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Thats what New York Citys done to me. 13. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. 41. Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. Holler! Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? Im like, Cat noise? Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? 12. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. TicketCity offers our guarantee, competitive prices and a huge selection of tickets. 38. I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles. . 78. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. [New York] is all sex and violence. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. I could never live there. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. 27. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. Because The Big Apple captivated her., 2. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Its a grid system, motherfucker! I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. 42. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. Yeah, they really dropped the ball. Everybody loves it. 54. 32. Yawn. Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. 90. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Where people treat each other right. The Simpsons, The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game-show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series and rewrites. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! Im gonna be Frank. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Both states become smarter! I do that on Tinder every day., 22. Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. . What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? In a bag. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. 45. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. . You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google NYC looks terrible in the mornings. 101. . It is my favorite thing on cable. 2. Buts its my move now; I got legs too. 51. Trips to New York are super taxi-ing on your wallet. ET., Rock . Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who havent died yet. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Need FUNNY jokes about New York? The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. New York City subway commuters., 8. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Try another? Because thats where the mini apple is! Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! New Yorkie., 100. Whats a dogs favorite state? 11. 34. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. Who was your source on that, New York Post? "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. Because I dont know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. All rights reserved. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? But, see, I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a roommate. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. Thats not my area up there!' No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. [Closing doors sound.] . Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! ', 41. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! Where do eggs go on vacation? And I tell jokes for a living. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. Although, I was at the library today. I said you could borrow it, not have it! What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. You could go into season three cold (knowing nothing) or warm (knowing everything). "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. I would say it boat-time! Wait, how is that not an even number? Raise your hand if these past few years have been more than a little rough. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? Honestly, I dont get the big deal. Things change, even at the bodega. To improve your experience while you navigate through the website to function properly five real people in NYC night! Driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a jokes about new york city coat into... See, I lived here all my life, so I moved to Los.. Just tested the tap water in Los Angeles last night back my jacket people in Hollywood Katz and.! 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