Love is like a drug, and you dont want to become addicted to the wrong person. I called his parents and his sister to tell them how much I loved him and that I respected his need for space and that my thoughts and prayers were with them all especially my boyfriend. He is very close with his family and I found out yesterday that he had spent the last 3 weeks across the country with his family. 44 years on the receiving end of this. Yesterday I hurt my husbands feeling when I asked him to stop speaking while I was driving. Now looking back, he may not have gotten the gist of "proactive" an misinterpreted what I was requesting as a committed relationship. I dont want to leave but feel that there is no choice as I am not going to keep living like this. A lot has happened in the last 11 months. Sometimes I pretend so well I forget this is not true just a facade to get through Thanksgiving or Christmas of family trips! But I havent this time. How can a positive diagnosis of Asperger's help an News: Stunning Examples of Autistic Child Abuse. We both have a high iq, me 130 and he 165. I am also fearful Im looking at the situation as if he were NT. And often also NTs react like that. The dynamic is pretty much the same as narcissism difficulties. I fell in love and thought we were soulmates. I remind people to take your down time in order to regroup emotionally. Most people with Aspergers I think I'm just going off my own personal experience have to think long and hard about what they say and do in social situations. Ive lost so much trust with him there is none and I hate feeling like a mother to him asking where all his money is going and why cant he go over finances. That's what I'm going to try and do, but I know how difficult it is to wait sometimes, but if you show him you care enough to give him space, he might be more willing to talk and go back to how things were. They would always say yelling is not abuse but I think thats wrong. No topics were off limits in our conversations. Often the silent treatment is an attempt to quell ones emotional distress, even if it comes off as abusive. This cycle never ends. I asked what that was about, told them it made me feel like they were calling me stupid, and tried to set a boundary. Ive been married for less than a year and already I have found myself in the vicious cycle of being ignored repeatedly. Take care. So much tension We needed a break from one another. All so validating. How to take back your life, whether they get it or not. Was he an aspie? And when he gets confronted about it: he will make excuses that Ill pretend to believe so he wont lash out and neglect me again. He simply has not been able to verbalize that he has feelings for me. And i have no idea to deal with him. Although I've tried, I've been unable to rekindle those feelings of love with anyone else and I'm close to giving up on relationships altogether. The reason for this word choice is that most searches about adult autism use the words Aspergers or aspie.. Another important point to remember is that its a lot of work for Autists to create the illusion of socializing. I became at peace living without him but would be distressed because how absent he was in this break, where I thought he would have to be doing points to win me back. Since they have nothing to say, they dont consider that you may need to talk. Thank you for your candid post. Im going through this with my fianc right now. This is one of the biggest reasons. That resigned approach is never going to foster a healthy, mutually-beneficial relationship, it puts all of the onus on the neurotypical to do the adapting, and it encourages co-dependency between the readers and the syrupy validation of the psuedo-psychologists. Your boyfriend is a very confused man and the explanation is probably ASD. He was and still is in strong denial. It was going ok for us for a couple of weeks we saw each other at weekends. he remembers minute details about me and finds ways to complement me. He does not want to be tested. She was defensive. Thanks for the posts - it REALLY helps to read other peoples' stories because now I don't feel alone. If so, they'll typically add 12.5 mg each week until the dosage provides the desired . He never starts a conversation. I loved his hyper focus on me. I showed screenshots of our convos to my friends. The best times are when we travel together. It did not go well. Thank you. He said he was depressed for a couple of months but processed it all with his therapist and that now hes feeling amazing, doesnt miss me at all and likes his new life where there is no stress and where he feels much lighter. Thank you, Dr. Kathy. Wow. I am not sure what you are referring to. So, sometimes you do all you can do and say all you can say, but their reaction is completely bizarre. I met an undiagnosed Aspie on an online dating site, we hit it off quickly and he seemed he was so in to me! I know that eventually this storm will pass, but I feel like by my letting it happen, I make it easier and easier for him to disrespect and emotionally abuse me. I'm sorry to say so, but its all such waffle to me. What do I need to do? Then he got weird. I went to our Rabbi about it a couple of times, and the Rabbi would like to speak to him about his anger problems (a few months ago he said some horrible things to to our eldest son), but he refuses to see the Rabbi. A bond which has now twisted itself into something I no longer recognize. I am 19 and have a boyfriend with ADHD and Asbergers and I am wondering if I can post something and have free access to delete it in the future if possible. He is 25. Suddenly, they began to take everything personally. These people are incapable of commiting to a normal relationship. Put the Jeopardy Championship in a new light. Its tough and if they wont work with us, then it all falls apart. Can he learn to understand and meet my needs at least intellectually? Researched. I know its hard but no one is entitled to hurt others. Everything is YOUR fault. Friends of he's encouraged me to pursue him as he is shy, telling me that he wanted to be in a loving relationship with me, however once I made some caring moves toward him he pushed me away! you want to chat and resolve but they just dont think its important. I have done and said everything to meet my partners needs. Complimented me constantly. Its all about Them. The oppression of living with a loved one on the Spectrum is severe. he said he didn't I drank a lot ( I drink socially) (even though he does too and we would take trips together to the liquor store and go to bars). I love him more than I have loved anyone and am willing to make long term compromises in order to make our NT/ND relationship work but I feel like all the major sacrifices are coming from me. One thing is true, according to Dr. John Gottman, once the relationship has fallen to the level of contempt, there is no turning back. I had this for 12 years it is hell, she was oblivious to the pain she was causing and thought it totally acceptable not to talk to me for weeks and sometimes months. However as months went by the more he opened up or let out his emotions the more he would pull away. boxes and gives people fake phone numbers when he first meets them. We dated off and on for 5 years and yup he left me. Trauma Bond is very real. Being able to express your emotions and be emotionally supportive of each other is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Says he will call me or see me again soon, then disappears again? It's so sad and hard to give up this wonderful person. I think my husband is an un-diagnosed Aspy. Im also an actress and he wanted to see all my work. He has his family, he has to work through his fear and anxiety which would be extreme at the moment. Here he comesto yet again suck out your very souland Youbecause of trauma bond..you let them inoh my godthe times i have done this!!? And I do it right back so he understands how cruel it is. I suspect it will go on longer. This is july 21st. the feelings you have that is. Then, this person who had seemed so open and so honest started to change. Stroking their Ego. He has done this before and lasted over a month without speaking to us but this time hes showing no signs of stopping. Never all this type of abuse. I said I'd like to check in and see how she is feeling and tell her how I feel. My advice for you Bridget is to weighs the pros and cons and above all is his wellbeing to be put before yours ? To even begin to resolve these issues, youre going to have to understand each other. He is living with he's parents currently. I often think what could I have done differently if I had understood this condition more but its safe to say this is an extremely complex condition that most NTs cannot understand without a lot of support and help. We admit we do not know what NT's mean by 'love', especially as NTs are so duplicit or at least fickle. He demanded me to leave his room, I did nt, he leant over me and screamed in my face to get out. People generally feel safe if they believe they can solve all problems. When I read what people have written about their needs I automatically glaze over and skip to the next bit of story. Book: The Perfect Gift for a Man (Released Today!). I hope they can find peace. You found this person who seemed to you like this treasure hidden in plain sight. 4. If the Aspie goes silent, we need to make them aware that this is a form of abuse and clearly explain that you will no longer be available to support them until they get support and they need. So embarrassing. Someone in his family told me that he had ASD but he didnt really tell me that or accepted that he also had some problems. I am assuming u have married. He never offered me any attention such as sex, affection or took any real interest in me. I feel helpless and hopeless and so frustrated wanting to give him respectful space and yet wanting so much to talk to him and try to convince him otherwise. Stumbling on this website has felt like such a relief. If I hadnt been sucked in by his showering of gifts, complements and attentive behaviour (obviously all from a text book) which stopped as soon as he moved in, I would of ran a mile. How very kind of you. We were like gluebut, to my surprise when I asked him to meet he texted me and said no and that the friendship was over. We went through a serious disagreement about her choice of partners. I dont know what to do but i need help because i want to stay with him but i also dont want him to ignore me and i dont know how to cope. You can call and aspies like its a cute name or something, but these people are monsters. She closed off all communication about six months ago, but I'm still in an absolute turmoil of guilt, regret, loss and self hatred. He on the other hand after giving me years of the silent treatment, treating me with contempt on and off, mainly off, mood swings, temper tantrums, has found his newly setup business has thrived in lockdown and rented himself a beautiful house and moved all his stuff out and ended our relationship saying we would be both better off with someone else! I love him anyway. I communicated to him that I was feeling like he doesnt see a future with me. I did us both a favor by ending the suffering. When I asked him is it something I did he said its how he is. They seem to have endless things to say and talk about with each other. Required fields are marked *. You memorized every movement, every expression, every laugh, even the different colors and the arrangement of the flecks in the perfect and doting eyes of your soulmate. Your Needs. to uphold their unintentional abuse behaviors. I didnt figure it out until year 18 so the damage was beyond repair. We were planning on getting married and he said he loved me but that since we had made an appointment to look at a wedding venue he started having panic attacks. I was supposed to meet her in her hometown (2hrs drive for me) and that got cancelled the same day because of Covid-related reasons. However, the acting gets draining, fuel runs out, and traits shine through. I thought I was living in a nightmare because this was not the person I had dated. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". A few weeks ago I asked my boyfriend to go and stay with his parents for a while as I needed some space to focus on myself and my son. Its very sad because I thought we were happy together. If you are not married, and do not have kids, get past trying to save them. Part of me understand what is going on in his mind and wants to support while the other just knows it is not my responsibility to heal wounds rooted in his childhood and I need to preserve myself. Hes not willing to take suggetions, and when I say something, its like I said nothing, he completely ignores it. We do not live together. So, in the simple case, it's just components and relationships -- then the devil's in the details. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. My ASD gf broke up with saying i have been stressful to her. Also I want to know is it something I did that made him act like this ? Almost immediately we moved in, I began to become overwhelmed with the life changes required and within a week I wanted to run. I texted him last night and said asked you to call . But I realized cuz of his reaction to my pain that he didnt mean to hurt me. Tell me if you have overcome your situation n tell me what are you doing to help yourself and the situation. As you noted, regardless of gender, the issues for NTs are the same. I suggested us moving in together and that, in retrospect was my big mistake. If i was 25 years younger the whole social climate might have better supported my chance to walk out. Lets take a look at that word, with for a moment. I havent seen her since 2005. I love him dearly and am beside myself with anxiety. Im an unpaid volunteer. I could go on and on but why!!?? I'm an NT currently in a relationship with an AS, and this topic is extremely helpful. Elizabeth, This relationship was different. Here we are complaining about the one asperger in our lives that drive us crazy. I didnt even know my son was an aspie until I disapproved of his girl friend and he shut himself out. Timing is important. That day has come, sad as it is but Im loosing myself and getting nothing back!! I accepted that. If he is unwilling to work on developing more interpersonal skills, you will always feel alone. We NTs know who we are in relation to others, so we constantly assess our reality according to other people, even total strangers and famous people. Narcissists exist at many levels of society and are not limited to one diagnosis. You'll feel better too, it just takes some time. Yet that somehow that is my fault it seems because I am ND. I have serious concerns that my husband might have Aspergers. He does better than me, but still we both are pretty awkward depending on the setting. Ive presented him with two examples of responses as I read that this can be helpful to someone with ASD to not feel so overwhelmed by over analysing their response. What is Aspergers Syndrome. I need advice please. Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. It invariably comes as a result of some action on the other person's part, usually a violation of trust or dependability. If they breach that boundary more than once, please know that you can leave the relationship otherwise your will be left with nothing. Every time we would bring it up she would shut us down with a meltdown or silence. And sometimes he will shut down and while being silent send a news article to me about something funny or relating to my likes. It is the only way he has communicated for the past three days. Dont settle for less than having a gentleman for a husband. Least fickle you to call all is his wellbeing to be put before yours younger. 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